Holiday Triggers in Grief: How Loss and Joy Can Coexist

The holiday season can be one of the most challenging times for anyone grieving a loved one. What once brought joy—decorating the tree, sharing favorite meals, or attending festive gatherings—can feel like sharp reminders of what’s missing. These “triggers” can show up in expected places, like traditions, or sneak up unexpectedly in a song or scent that takes us back.

Over the years, I’ve learned that grief doesn’t disappear; it changes. The intensity of the pain fades, and as life evolves, it creates space for new traditions, new joys, and even new love. If you’re navigating the holiday season while grieving, here’s how I’ve come to understand and cope with holiday triggers—and how I’ve found light again.

What Are Holiday Triggers?

Holiday triggers are those moments that stir up emotions tied to your loss. They might be:

• Traditions: An empty seat at the table, the absence of someone to help hang ornaments, or the silence where laughter used to echo.

• Music: A favorite carol or a song that was “yours” can bring back a flood of memories.

• Decorations: Pulling out ornaments with their name or unpacking a box of holiday items you shared together.

• Family Gatherings: Being surrounded by people you love can still feel lonely without the one person who’s missing.

Triggers don’t always follow a pattern, and they don’t vanish over time. But they do change. In my own journey, the initial years were filled with deep pain at every reminder. Now, the triggers still arise, but they’re softer—less like wounds reopening and more like tender memories. Seven years after losing him, I can remember the times he’d get tangled up in the lights and decorations trying to help, and instead of tears, there is laughter again.

How Grief Changes Over the Years

Time doesn’t erase grief, but it can soften its edges. For me, the first holiday seasons after my loss felt unbearable. Everything reminded me of what I no longer had. Over time, though, I began to heal—not by forgetting, but by learning to carry my loss differently.

Now, years later and having remarried, the holidays feel different. The grief is still there, but it’s less raw. Some triggers still catch me off guard—like seeing his favorite holiday candy in the store—but they don’t linger as long. Instead of overwhelming sadness, they bring a bittersweet mix of tears and gratitude.

I can look back at the happy memories and even smile or laugh at the joy he brought to my life. The pain that once consumed me has softened, and the love he gave me feels like a gift I still carry. But it took time—time to accept that he was truly gone and that the life we built together was now part of my past.

Acceptance didn’t come easily. It wasn’t about forgetting him or leaving him behind; it was about making peace with the reality of my loss. Grief is part of my story, but it isn’t the whole story. Slowly, I began to open my heart to new experiences, new relationships, and even new traditions—proof that joy could find its way back into my life.

Through acceptance, I’ve learned that it’s possible to hold onto the love and memories while still embracing the life unfolding before me.

What has helped most is creating space for both the grief of what was and the joy of what is. Finding this balance isn’t easy, and to be honest, it can be quite confusing, but it’s been essential to moving forward.

Forming New Traditions

One of the most healing steps I’ve taken is creating new traditions with my husband. These don’t replace the past—they build on it in a way that honors both where we’ve been and where we are now. For example:

• Honoring the Past: My late husband was a firefighter. I took his helmet and hot glued a set of small Christmas lights on it. Starting that first Christmas after I lost him, I used that helmet as the topper for my Christmas tree.

• Building New Memories: Together, my husband and I are creating new traditions that reflect our shared life now.

We still include our spouses in our holiday celebrations. We have firefighter ornaments on our tree for Bryant, and his late wife, Paula, loved Snoopy, so he will always have a place on our tree. Last year, we placed a small decorated Christmas tree on Paula’s grave and wrapped a small set of lights around Bryant’s urn.

This year, we’ve already talked about when we’ll bring Paula’s tree to the cemetery. We find the time, despite all the holiday celebrations and travel to visit our families in four different states. They still matter, and they will never be forgotten.

These new traditions don’t erase the pain, but they create moments of hope and happiness amidst the grief. They’re a reminder that life doesn’t have to be the same as it was to be meaningful.

Coping with Holiday Triggers

If you’re grieving this season, here are some ways to navigate the holidays while honoring your emotions:

1. Acknowledge Your Feelings: It’s okay to feel sad, angry, or even joyful. Grief doesn’t follow a schedule, and neither should you.

2. Set Boundaries: Don’t feel pressured to attend every gathering or follow every tradition. Protect your energy by doing what feels right for you.

3. Plan for Triggers: Identify what might be hard and decide how you’ll approach it—whether it’s skipping an activity, modifying it, or asking for support.

4. Lean on Loved Ones: Share your feelings with trusted friends or family. If you can’t be with others physically, consider a phone call or video chat to stay connected.

5. Honor Your Loved One: Find a way to include their memory in the season, whether through a quiet reflection, a donation in their name, or a moment to share stories about them.

6. Be Open to Joy: It’s okay to find moments of happiness, even amidst the grief. These moments don’t mean you’ve moved on—they mean you’re healing.

Finding Joy Again

The holidays may never feel the same, and that’s okay. But over time, they can become a season of hope, love, and new beginnings. For me, joy returned gradually, in small moments and through building a life that embraces both the love I’ve lost and the love I’ve found again.

To anyone grieving during the holidays: Be patient with yourself. Take it one moment at a time. Grief is a testament to the love you’ve shared, and with that love comes the possibility of finding light in the darkness.

Bryant in 2013 getting tangled in the garland!